Praising Him from the Valley

I decided to write about when we found out, the couple of days after, and how I am feeling... how I am honestly feeling. This blog may or my not help someone going through this now or in the future-I hope it does, but I know for sure it helps me. Like I've said before its therapeutic for me and I want to be able to look back on it later- hopefully from the top of the mountain with a baby in my arms. I thought about writing my feelings on paper and not sharing it but I decided on blogging them for 2 reasons, 1) to further help anyone who may have to unfortunately go thru this or a similar situation and 2) because if I wrote it on paper i'd lose it. So here we are...

I'll start with my initial reaction. Rewind to the night before. Jarrod and I prayed that God would prepare us for the answer we were about to find out the next day. I woke up the next day and I just couldn't shake the bad feeling I had, but I wrote it off as nerves. When we got to ART the nurse asked us if I had tested at home. I replied "no, and I bet I am the only won huh?" She said yes. Most women take home pregnancy test a couple of days before the blood test and up until the day of and the results are accurate most of the time. I tested last time before the blood test, but this time Jarrod insisted that I not so I didn't just because the results aren't guarenteed to be right like the blood test is. We left the doctors office and went to eat. Just as I was about to have an anxiety attack because of my nerves up walks our trip leader from Brazil and also CMU's administrator and Chuckie Connor CMU's Director. I was about to break down when they came up and it was such a blessing that they did. It was so good to see them. Jarrod was actually wearing his Brazil soccer jersey that day (for good luck;-) They were eating breakfast with a Brazilian pastor and his wife and a Brazilian man who lives in the states now. That was most definitely the highlight of our day.
Anyway, almost my almost meltdown less than a hour after my blood was drawn we decided to take a home pregnancy test because we didn't think I could make it the 4-6 more hours we had to wait. The test was negative (obviously). I can honestly say I wasn't suprised. Until the day of I KNEW the results were gonna be postitive, but like I said the day of I had that bad feeling. I am glad we decided to take the test because even though we both had a little bit of hope that we were still gonna get a good call from ART. Jarrod had more hope than I did. Our plan had been to go by Lifeway before we went home because there was a devotional I was looking for that they didn't have in Dothan. We went and I found the book. It was "Come Away My Beloved" by Frances J. Roberts. I heard this devotion was wonderful. Its kinda like love letter to you from God. Like I said I found the book read a few pages..... and put it back. I hate to even write this but its my honest feelings, I didn't feel very loved by Him. I decided that I would instead buy "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. Seemed more appropriate. Jarrod was still looking around so I browsed the grieving/suffering section. Nothing near what I needed. I knew it was time to leave when I went back to get Jarrod and passed the annointing oils (Jarrod and I got annointed and prayed over at Sardis) and I stuck my tongue out at them and burst into tears. We left (with my new devotion choice and a couples devotion we had found). We left Montgomery and went home still waiting for the call. They close early on Fridays so we expected it closer to 1 than 3. They called at 3:30. Jarrod answered and got the bad news. I didn't cry immediately, but just one look at Jarrod and I lost it. We cried off and on the rest of the day/night. Jarrod deals with greif by staying busy and I shut down. Saturday afternoon we went to the movies with David and Brooke and then the four of us met Micah and Mindy and Brandon and Nicole for dinner at Outback. Right before we went though I decided I couldn't do it, that I wasn't ready to be around anyone. But, because plans had already been made I went and ended up being glad I did. I had my sad/teary moments, but it was good to get my mind off of everything for the most part. Thank God for supportive friends. They knew we didn't want to talk about it and that it would be hard for us to hear about kids.
Today I woke up not feeling well at all. I stayed in bed all morning. Jarrod went to church then came home to be there for me. Around lunch jarrod had to go do some AC work so I decided to go get a pedicure since I was feeling a little bit better. The only bad part about that was the girl giving me a pedi wanted to know if I as married and then I knew what was coming next- "Do you have kids?" no. I prayed she would stop there, but Oh no... She asked "why?" I don't even know how I answered because I was trying my best to not burst out in tears. Some people God bless em' have no idea. No earthly idea.

That led to me trying to get my feelings together on the way home. I still have some anger about it. Its not directed toward God, its really just at the situation. Why can't I have what is so easy for most people?? Heck, alot of woman (and girls) get pregnant without trying. I can't do if after paying thousands of dollars, taking awful medications, having to take tons of shots, and us both having to have surgeries. Not to mention the stress of not knowing if after all that we would have any embyros to be able to transfer, then waiting 9 days to find out if after all we've been through if I was pregant or not. On top of that having to take off work atleast 4 days each cycle. That being followed by negative pregancy tests. Twice. Two and a half years ago when we first met with the doctor he told us that the IVF would more than likely take after one try because of the good prognosis. If not one than almost guarenteed after 2. Medically I should have a toddler or atleast be pregnant right now. Why didn't God allow that to happen? We know that God is doing this for a reason, but I thought that for many reasons he would allow our yearning/suffering to end after 3 1/2 years. The biggest reason we thought this wouldn't last any longer is because of Jarrods mother. She has M.S. and is in the last stage. She's on hospice and can only move her head a little and she can swallow her food (she has to be fed). She has been waiting for years for us to have her a grandbaby and we want her to be able to meet our baby just as much as she wants to. (Sarahbeth is still her baby, but she wants one from us too.)

Which brings us to what Jarrod and I are dealing with now. Jarrod is ready to adopt. Yesterday. I still want a biological child. I want to see if he/she has mine or Jarrods eyes, nose, skin tone, hair, fingers and toes, and on and on. We were also hoping for a left handed pitcher since we both are (were). I am not against adoption though, just want one of my own too. We are going to talk to the doctor next week and will see what he says or as Jarrod says "see what he tries to talk us into" and we'll go from there.

We appreciate all of the prayers and support we have been blessed with. We are excited about what God has in store for us and will continue to get over the mourning of this "loss".The hurt and emptiness will still be there, but we are praising God while we are in this valley just like we will from the mountain top and in between. If you have made it through my blabbering and are still reading please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are now praying that God will lead us in the direction He wants us to go in next.